Parenting the Determined Child

Do you find yourself constantly frustrated with your determined child? Is it difficult to engage them in daily tasks? Do you find yourself in power struggles with your child on a regular basis?

One of the things I see in my practice regularly are parents who are frustrated by their children’s “difficult” behavior. These parents find themselves in power struggles with their children over things such as what they will eat for breakfast, their clothes for the day, and other tasks that are part of their routine. Parents can become frustrated when their child refuses to complete the task at hand or fail to take direction to complete the task. Parents often described their child as strong willed or as having a strong personality. I would describe these children as determined. It can be frustrating for both parent and child in power struggles and it can often strain the parent/child relationship. As parents we want to enjoy parenting our children and have positive interactions with them.

In this post I will share some tips on parenting your determined child. I will also give you specific examples and tools you can use with your children.

1. Choices

• All children can benefit from having choices that are appropriate for their development. Examples of these choices would be what the child wears, the kind of snack they eat, or what television program they want to watch. Giving your child two acceptable choices and then letting them choose is a great way of fostering independence and helping your child feel in charge of themselves. The following is an example of the phrasing you can use.

  “You may choose apples or pretzels for your snack. Which one would you like?“

2. Choices as Consequences

• It might sound like this: When you choose not to pick up your toys you are choosing not to have tv time before bed. Using choices to enforce consequences takes responsibility off the parents for the child’s choices and returns it to the child. This way of framing the consequences teaches children that they are responsible for their own choices as well as the consequences.

3. Encourage Their Independence

• Your determined and strong-willed child craves independence so finding ways to encourage this is essential to their success. This may sound something like this:

  “You’ve got this,” “That sounds like something you can do,” or “I knew you could do it”

4. Capitalize On Their Strengths

• If you have a strong willed or determined child encourage them in their independence and help them foster leadership skills. This may look like assigning them a leadership role at home such as being in charge of taking care of a pet.

5. Bonding With Your Determined Child

• Being a parent of an extremely independent and strong-willed child can be challenging at times. Finding ways of bonding and creating positive interactions is important. Spend time with your child doing things they enjoy and let them be in charge in developmentally appropriate ways. This can look like allowing them to make up rules to a game that are different than the actual rules or being in charge of choosing an activity.
  

Finally, I want to leave you with this thought:

Remember that your child is not behaving the way they are to punish you. They are becoming their own unique individual and this may feel challenging at times but it’s also an exciting time for you and your child. If you can encourage their strengths and help them navigate challenges they face your child will be successful in life and you will foster a strong relationship with them.